Fall

Fall makes you aware again. Aware of where you are, where the hell your going, what the heck you have been doing for the last 4 months, 1 year, whole life or whatever frame of time you may be working with. It hit me quickly about a week and a half ago. I had just came back from Denver after finishing our last large bundle order of the Summer and then completing the film project we had been working on for the upcoming Nepsa awards. In the moment, rollerblading around town, wearing one pieces, stuffing bundles, working, moving around a million miles an hour, the get togethers, the self motivated entreprenuer. Summer. Always a lot of need for outward progression in the present moment with outdoor activities till your sore in the legs, business ideas, the throwing of the bag when you come in the front door and spilling your closet out for the next activity. Bam. Good times. Then I woke up, one morning last week and I just felt myself sink into the bed. It wasn't necessarily exhaustion but more of a combination of that with solitude, reflection, and the feeling of being full and needing to spill something out before it  exploded within me.  I knew that the leaves changes had been occurring in the days preceding, but the shift to Fall in me happened right at that moment I peeled my eyes open.

Then came the deep thought into what I had been really up to since last Fall. The big goals that may have not have been completely reached took precedence over the many leaps and bounds I may have (probably) made. Along with that came disappointment and the grieving for the days gone by without all the miraculous evolution I had so optimistically predicted 1 year ago. I went there and I spent a few days there dwelling on all the little bits and pieces and I sherlocked holmes'd why all of these things were not at the edge of my fingertips. The outcome was pretty much what you would expect it to be....getting really sad, finally expressing it out loud at a ladies night, realizing then that I was kind of over it and then attempting to find pyhsical and spiritual activities to release it. This is when you dig the toes into your current life with a fierce motivation towards getting your ass up and going at it all again. Okay. Sounds fair enough. Sometimes nothing you can do will break this solid grumpiness that can take over your whole existence. You try to throw all the emotional baggage out the window but it ends up attaching to your bumper anyways and dragging itself along with you through your day. What will fix it, you ask? Well I realized that going to the top of a really tall mountain at midnight dressed in a glow in the dark puffy vest and striped skin tight leggings with a mission to dance under the stars with 100 strangers until the light perfectly negotiates itself over the perfect outline of the mountains. We leaned on each others shoulders during those moments awaiting the warmth of the sun to embrace us and awaken our souls into a new day. It felt real, it felt true, we laughed at everything endlessly, & it felt like we were together in this. Whatever this is. We were in it together and that made everything feel okay.

“When you experience uncertainty, you are on the right path – so don’t give it up. You don’t need to have a complete and rigid idea of what you’ll be doing next week or next year, because if you have a very clear idea of what’s going to happen and you get rigidly attached to it, then you shut out the whole range of possibilities.” - Deepak Chopra

Newport

Reading into my escape. I take some time to update my mind on what really has been occurring that makes me feel this real. The simple gestures that give me release are catapulting in front of me. Long bike rides where the breeze glides through my salted hair, the simple look that Vivi gives me when the rollerblader in spandex goes by, the puddle that I fall into, the football that Tommy threw to me halfway across Plaza del norte and the grumpy neighbor that was jealous that we were in the middle of the street laughing too hard, the ankle high wave that I aggressively body moved while standing the whole way down the white water, the drowsy eyes that closed while I read the Sandman with an 8 year old. The fresh pacific fish that I marinated and which melted in my mouth, the roar of a wagoneer rolling down pacific highway, the silent neighborhood that remembers me like our time never ended, the long beach that I step my foot on and free my soul, my cousin who inspires me to enjoy, live, laugh, and eventually, be a loving parent and inspiring mentor. The life that I am meant to live. I am in it. When I get home and I am cozy in my small nook with the snow pedaling and subtlely dressing the outside of my window I will remember the feel of a barefoot walk to an empty beach, the plummet of my soul into an ocean, the smell of my hair after a long day of breeze, and the love of my cousins cozied up in Newport eating italian food, playing in the street, doing their homework and singing in the shower.

Art and how to begin

Standing on the edge of every possibility that a woman could ever dream of. There is no end, there is no beginning. There is only what is in between which is up to me to create, manifest, participate in and progress within. My life is delicate right now, raw and always new. I feel within my body. Ready to instigate myself to do things and to live a life that feels brand new all while staying in the same place for awhile, mentally and physically.



The urge to create can be subtle or it can be strong. It may have been a source within me that finally woke up from a blessed slumber that sees that this urge has been penetrating me for awhile. May I take even the smallest steps to let this slumber turn into a slumber party with all of my best friends, some tools and parties of contagious ridiculous laughter . Realizing that there is no right or wrong way within your process. Nor is there necessarilly inspiration. Twyla Tharp tells us that art is less a form of our minds eye but more a formation of habit. Pick up your medium and create. Clear the clutter from your mind and dive in like the pool is a giant reflection of the sky and you are swimming in its endlessness. The more you indulge in the process the more things grow. May we all find room and time to cultivate these parts of us to grow.

Love, Fall, Leotards and the burn

Burning Man: The most epic group experience I have ever experienced. Want to change your life or the way you look at life or the way you look at humans? Need a dose of positive change, a creative upheavel of non propaganda, a gathering that consists of anything and everything including every type of person you could ever imagine?
Burning Man









Fit4Real- 2nd place at the Nepsa awards- hell yes.

Leotards, girlfriends, ambition, Aspen, Gucci, Jane Fonda wannabees, Jacqui Edgerly, skiing? What else could you want in a short film? Nothing.

http://vimeo.com/29298382

Bundles of bounty in Midsummers Dream

MMMMMM, this week so far has consisted of wild stinging nettle pesto whirring in my mini blender, wearing a Jane Fonda leotard with 3 friends while running up the circa 1970 par course, bike rides, rafting in laughter down the roaring fork, emotionally being attached to the womens U.S. Soccer teams loss, and getting lost in late night dance sessions twice at Belly Up. In the swing of the a thing called Summer.

This brings me to this weeks favorite things: nutty pesto with fresh raw cheese (mmm, and ginger rhubarb pancakes?) Or the wild Arnica growing outside my house asking for a harvest and medley making.
The leotards that Lula found in a random Snowmass closet and confiscated for our use of re creating the work out video (stay posted)
Hard rains in the afternoon Flowers in full bloom
Finally being where I am and seeing its bounty all over me workwise and funwise.

Summer is all around me and I want to eat it with a fork. Between the jobs and the phone calls and the emails and the bundles being delivered to innocent happy people there is a little smidgen of time to watch the clouds to roll by.
I fit in the little projects when I find time to pull myself from the lure of outside activities before dusk overcomes and sleepiness succumbs. Starting to think about jewlery projects, the loitering thank you letters still left, writing more and more ( this penetrates my brain constantly), and last but not least......brrrrrruuummmmm....drum roll.......!!!!......thats right, Burning Man Costumes. All creative projects need to be focused on a little thing called end of August Rite of Passage journey to the desert with 40,000 other random people. There we will solve all of the world problems for a week.

What kind of costumes do I want to manifest for Burning Man? I am thinking that my Rite of Passage is into becoming a woman and the style I see is glamourous vintage Monaco France boho shiek meets edgy Mad Max desert wanderer. I see it now. Flowy, sexy fabrics, dresses, scarves, sharp lines, confident, rugged, ready. For anything.

Let the nights carry me away. Hope where everyone is becomes everything they want. I miss every corner of the earth and every person who I know when I am happy and wish them every bit of their summer's dream comes to them in a bundle.

Swells pursuing the Colorado shore pulsing with purpose

I just went outside during the dusk glare and harvested some dandelion in a mini red and white striped dress with no underwear on. It was a summer moment and I look forward to the tea that will cleanse my internals and flush for a new chapter. Taken to a hault this morning by extreme exhaustion I have taken the day to evaluate my present stance. The day has given me that chance to stop, observe and create meaning around the towers that are falling down around me and allow me to view what it is time to make room for.

So the blog allows these words to be more then mumbles in my head. Documentation continuation so that happenings in this life can make a little more sense then just being a small fiction of history.

Ahh, well, lets start with the Colorado summer. Where the sunlight stays on us till 9 and the energy of the mountain town pulses and beats all around us. Clouds only make brief and un memorable appearances as we move with the light in search of more play, more work, and more social extravaganzas.

My schedule is once again a smorgasboard of jobs that can be a whirlwind to keep track of. Between slinging bundles with Megan as self marketeers to promote buying local, maintaining people's flowers, managing and maintaining the property we live on, helping Chris keep those pedicabs rolling, nannying peoples children, doing event work setting up classy parties and delivering boxes of organic veggies and fruits from Jack's side street market from a alley right in the middle of town I am zipping around like a bee to honey all over Aspen. Then there are the social movements. I have thrown more parties in this last year then all of my friends combined. There is this secret woman in me that wants these themed classy little shindigs with all the pieces fitting together. Fun? yes. Exhausting? Totally.

Why is it that we thrive off the constant activity only to eventually hit the wall running? Instead of having to be on one end of the extreme or the other I am now striving to find a daily balance within this schedule of mayhem to come back to myself, who I am, what I feel and what I need. I witness the degradation of my health and my state of mind when I am on the constant move of how to make everyone happy or how to make my bank account happy. It could just be that as I have approached 30 there is a slight priority change in how to fill the hours of my day and a subtle decrease in urgency to 'do it all'. Take in a deep breath, move in the flow, and then take a break to check in.

As a new wife I find my role has slightly changed from maybe who i was 2 years ago. I am still defining this line, but am awakening to a new perspective daily by feeling the changes and openly embracing them, even if it is a solo journey to really define them.

Mexico wedding was literally a dream. The magical whirlwinds of that whole month swirled around us in complete ecstasy. I feel that being there brought the truth out in everyone who made the journey to arrive. Being in Mexico relates to the real parts of ourselves that lay within us. They are the parts that are covered with bouganvillas and sea salt. They are the parts that want to eat chicken roasting on an open fire and watch hammocks be woven by indigenious hands. They are the parts that once the dust settles within our hearts and within our minds, we fall in love with all the worlds simplicities all over again.

I can't even just call them memories. That words seems so distant to me as they are just fleeting thoughts that should be left in the past. Something from that trip still remains with us and no matter how much time fills in the gaps between us and that journey we are constantly growing and building off of that experience. For Chris and I, that was a massive undertaking that we created from the ground up with much adversity and doubt. For us, it was a dream given wings and a gathering to let everyone experience it with us on a growing and winding vine. Life is so uncertain and the rush is so constant that we all need a reason to feel vital again and to feel raw. To see your friends catching 30 second rides from the point as orange luminescence glows off our noses, to make endless taco creations in open aired kitchens, to fold 100 birds and string them only for them to knot and do it all over again while sitting in a bathing suit, to see your friends travel so many miles with their newborn babies to awaken together on the pacific coast, to go 40 mph over a tope and laugh so hard you could cry when you see goat guy walking down the beach. These are all moments in time that stick with you and truly change you, if only you keep the simplicity of it all close to your heart.

So it remains as we now live in the present and embrace our love and what we have manifested for ourselves day in and day out. We get into the grooves and weeks pass as we check our email, drive around, make dinners, worry, laugh, try not to cry, think about the things you have to do, and watch as it gets dark then light again. Time passes so quickly.
I am truly grateful to have someone to come home to and share this with. We have our own place and it is serene as we make it more our own. There is work to be done, no matter what our career choice or if it will be the same forever. Daily work is what we make of it and how we feel while we do it. I take with me this week prudence to know when to stop and just revel in the joy of the experience instead the worry of missing something or filling in the blanks with more. I am in love, I have amazing food to eat to make to concoct and I am showered with pulsing moments of joy to revel in.

As crazy as this world is, when you are living in it, ripe and in the moment, all you can do is just love it and care for it because these moments are all we have. So I will continue the 12 jobs, the parties, the hikes, the harvesting, the fitting it all in. Yet I will do so with a little more mexico slow it down flair this time around as I appreciate my lovely husband, our small cozy abode, and the little fox that we call Jesse that sits outside of our bedroom windows on slow mornings and licks his paws.

Stuff and what it means to us

I got a peugeot retro racing bike when I was a junior in college in St. Augustine. I sadly let my 'free spirit'- the beautiful raspberry retro townie I previously had- wish away in the backyard. uggh, I still regret that, she was a bute. Yet when you are 22, graduating college, breaking up with your long time boyfriend and heading west you go ahead and charge forward with a light load. Somehow I managed to pack the Peugeot though and happy as a cat I made that decision. I am pondering the sale of it as I go through my things as I know the hipsters in the west coast cities would treat her with much due respect and ride her with a sense of self identity which gives her the meaning of being a retro road bike after all these years.
I know what it means to say goodbye and to let go. It is never easy, but gets more gracious over time. Leaving any life behind requires diligence in shedding layers of our own idea of self identity.
Other things I gave away that Spring after college:

The Juice it- the ultimate machine in orange juice squeezing and with FL oranges in plenty, I was in heaven. I didn't think the juice it would be as happy in Colorado.
My brothers ramshackle porch paintings: I handed these down to art lovers by leaving them right where they were stapled to our porches walls. they may still be there under those oaks creating joy in peoples lives.
That orange swivel chair with foot rest: ooh la la....picture it: classic golden orange velvety swivel chair with matching foot rest. That thing came right from the 50's and was a real gem.

The list may go on, but why even think about it? I still manage to be living out of a suitcase time and again (as I am now-glad I kept that one though- circa 1940s brown hard case), and also have a storage unit that sits lonely, untamed, and confused of its identity down the road from me. Why do we always want stuff, but then that same stuff puts us in a mood like no other (escpecially when it doesn't have a place and is staring at you like a lost puppy dog wondering if you will soon drop it off at the pound, or the thrift store)? Everytime Chris and I go to those endless doors amongst the asphalt roadways of the effusive storage unit we find ourselves pestering then followed by a shedding of more random bits and bobs. A lovely chore indeed, but I am getting down to the point where I refuse to shed another inch of skin. I have what I want, what I need, what represents my past or what will represent my future and I crave a place to put those things neatly and orderly in their little spots.

I am growing up and seek a suitcase always ready to be packed, but a place to come home to when it all comes around that doesn't consist of a big heavy metal door behind a locked gate that lifts into a world of my life, my clutter, my reality all stuffed in and stacked about like hostages from my past.
Then I can rid, I can recycle, upcycle, make it myself, re invent it, regurgatate, re give it or just plain remember it whenever and however I want to. At least I will know where to find it, cause it will have a spot. And so will I.

....but on the other hand, if I woke up and everything disappeared, all the stuff, the clothes, the muck that sticks me to it....I wouldn't bat an eyelid, and would happily embrace freedom into new territory with less history.