Sleep, babies, parents, lack of

Get pregnant and the further you get along you will notice how often people tell you to "get your sleep in now".  Ha ha, you laugh and wince thinking that it is so cliche for someone to tell you that.  Since sleeping becomes harder in later pregnancy so you become more adept to less of it and it feels okay to do so. 
Then you have the baby...la dee da.  That baby doesn't know day from night, up from down.  It's cool because I was on such a whirlwind of high that I didn't know those things either.  The months start to move and you still live on a cloud that is drifting on some kind of renewable fuel.  You just keep going.

I think from around 10 weeks to 20 weeks is where I started to loath most people who came from the outside to contact with me on my cloud.   I looked at them and thought "you think you have problems, try not sleeping at all".  That is if I could think at all.   You find yourself staring into small corners of your living room dissecting dust buildup while sitting on the couch breastfeeding for the 12th time that day.  You stare down at that soft head and watch those puckered lips slurp this precious concoction from your body at 5 in the morning and ponder how you can love someone so much and also wish you were a hypnotist that could put any living creature into a deep sleep.   Mentally your on a roller coaster.

I tried to over analyze this or to compare it to other mothers until I wised up and realized there is no one way.  I went to a class with a sleep coach and she gave me sympathy for being in the 4 month old range, which she classified as the worst month.  I took notes on how to get my baby to sleep longer.  What a joke.   Tell yourself how cool it is to be up and at them in the middle of the night.  Some of the worlds greatest artists and thinkers were up in the middle of the night.  Appreciate that alone time with your little sleep deprivation machine.  They way a baby looks under moonlight coming through the window will bring goosebumps up your spine.
With that,  I guess I have some tidbits of wisdom for any struggling moms out there:

• Eventually, they will sleep.  I still tell myself this every day
• Phases.  Babies are in a perpetual motion of phases.  Some are happier and easier and others...not so much.  Welcome to a life of endless cycles.  They will always pass.
• Schedule-  I had to force myself in to this one but it has paid off.  Buckle down on what you want for now, all you really need is sleep and that means all attention and time is centered around the bald buddha in your lap:
• Naps:  Attempt to put your babe down at round about times for naps so they learn to expect it.  Happy babies nap, end of story.
• Song:  I played the same song Woodie Guthrie's "Goodnight little Darlin' for weeks straight everytime I put him to sleep.  Now if he is tired I sing him that song and it is like I finally became a hypnotist.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TDacirqSsg 

• Swings & other contraptions:  There is a point where these things are the jam.  Arlo would pass right out in the swing till about 3 months, when all he wanted to do was escape the swing.  Find one at a consigment store cause all these gadgets can be expensive.

• Wind down:  If you want your baby to fall asleep at bedtime then don't run around the house like a wild woman trying to be everything to everybody while listening to loud music.  Talk softly, take him outside, tell him a story, chill that bugger out.
•  Baby carrier:  If all else fails, put that little snuggle buggle in a carrier and wander around.  This is a must have if you still want to maintain any type of night lifestyle and attend dinner parties etc.  
• Ear Muffs: I'm serious.  Go ahead and break the bank with a $20 pair of ear muffs.  You could even still go to rock concerts!
  

So there you are and there is always something better to look forward to mamas....Last night, for the first time in Arlo's baby life he went to sleep at 8:00 p.m. and didn't wake up till 5 a.m.  I had to check my clock 3 times to really let this sink in.  It may be a little rainbow over my cloud but what a beautiful rainbow it t'was.

The beginning of solids

Baby Food. This has become a big new obsession and time consumer for me. I thought making food for me and my husband was enough of a time suck. Welcome to life beyond breastfeeding! Arlo loves food, all kinds, all the time. He would be attached to my boob all day if he could and then maybe chomp on some other snacks in between. When people say that you will know when a baby is full I have to laugh a bit because I have never seen him turn down food. So I have decided to start documenting my escapades in baby food making. What I have learned:
- Use food that you are already eating
- Steam or boil fruits in water
 - Blend mixes
 - Use fun stuff like cinnamon and use coconut oil to add in a little bit more fat (maybe he'll sleep longer, please gawd)
 - Freeze in ice cube trays then transport to zips so your not spending your whole life making baby food

Life in Baja is simple and easy

South of the border in the land of the endless coastline. One of the joys of living in San Diego is that there is a place called Baja 15 minutes away. When you cross into Baja a lot can change. Yes, somethings seem a little bit more down ridden at first. Then you head further south and the ocean slides endlessly in front of you. The swells come from every direction to break on the shores and we flock to these sands in search of surfing, sunsets, and a mellower mode. My parents are currently living in Las Gaviotas, a cute and quaint small community only a half an hour from the border. Palm trees, hibiscus flowers, spanish tile roofs and fluorescent emryald moss growing on the shore help you fall quickly in love.
 Then, on top of all of that, add in the simplicity of freedom of a weekend where you can walk to the surf and there are babysitters to watch your beauty of a child makes you officially pumped on life. Life in Mexico is good. There is a sense of freedom and no constraints that will dig you in the norm..... those daily chores, worries and thoughts are adios amigos. The waves break on you, over you, within you and the pelicans soar while the sunsets electrically over your head and the full moon subtly graces the sky to the east. It's purity in all its forms. My sunburned family dreams of moments like this.

Mexico has been such a big part of my life and it will continue to stay that way.  Things have changed down there with cartel issues and shifting governments but I would say that, for the most part, Mexican people are gracious, simple, generous, and extremely helpful.  My family brought me up to think more globally and we have lived our lives this way.  It is nice to not pass quick judgement over countries as a whole.  It is a beautiful thing to be able to pass in and out of others cultures with ease and interest in what their lives are like.  From my perspective right now I find it cheaper in Baja, the waves are less crowded (and more plentiful) and life is simple.  You can drink cocos frios on the side of the road and there are less rules, less muck to get through on a daily basis.  It is an escape...yes, but one that I have come to find very rewarding.  

Arlo Wynn

It has been 1 whole month since the birth of Mr. Arlo and as much as it has seemed to fly by (as everyone says it will when you have a child) I also feel like it has been the longest 4 weeks of my life.  Probably because it has been technically on the amount of sleep that I have actually partaken in.

To preserve the wild memory that will begin to drift away into the past I have decided to put down into words my birth story.  I feel that when I was pregnant I pawned after others birth stories in hope of just attaining an ounce of knowledge of the possibilities of what happens in birth.

My due date was Christmas Eve.  The build up to the due date consists of many people guessing the date your baby will be born, the bulging of your ever present belly, and many conversations with your baby at 4 in the morning asking it absurd questions when you can't sleep because of sheer uncomfort or just plain anxiety.  Nine months is a heck of a long time and the culmination of a body in yours comes to a mega climax around the end.  Christmas came and went, the tree went up and I vowed to keep it up until the baby was born.  Then came New Years.  Uneventfully, Chris & I rang in the New Year together with the babe still in the belly.  The days kept adding on in 2014 and the wonder of when it would happen filled my days with emotions.  My parents, my brother and my friends all looked at me daily with that look of anxious anticipation.  I bounced on the bouncy ball, hours of walking all times of the day,  ate spicy foods, had awkward sex, chanted, manifested, acupuncture, tarot cards, castor oil, membranes swept, stared at opening roses imagining my cervix doing the same thing.....shit got wierd & the list goes on.  That last week my focus was completely direct into going into labor.

I knew the dreaded 2 week mark was coming and I presumed that at that point I would give up my dream of having a natural birth as I walked into the labor and delivery floor of the hospital and they would shoot me with pitocin, which would maybe lead to other interventions along with all the machines staring at me.  These were all experiences I had spent 9 months meditating not to have, but also I was accepting that life really doesn't go the way you planned and was willing to accept that with integrity.   I wasn't quite ready to give up yet though and I imagined that this labor would come on the night before the induction, like a last minute field goal score in overtime.    I had a dream vision it would happen on a crescent moon.  On Jan. 5th, Sunday night, we pulled out of our houses driveway and looked west and there it was, the dang biggest cheshire cat crescent moon I had ever seen glowing orange and presumably falling into the ocean.  I smiled.

Contractions started at 2 in the morning that night.  They were light enough to cat nap in between and this continued into the morning.  Chris stayed home and we wandered the house doing projects.  He took down the Christmas tree, much to my dismay as I was set on bringing the baby home with the Christmas tree up.  It had its time though.  I had to be admitted into the birthing center that afternoon or they would make me check in to Labor & Delivery at midnight because that would be 2 weeks post date.  We got in the subaru, I had head phones in my ear listening to Rhye sing "Woman" as I closed my eyes on the mountain of pillows set up for me in the back seat and begun this extemely inner journey.   

After 4 or so hours of wandering the birth center halls, bouncing on a ball in the lawn in front of the hospital, enduring endless stares as I leaned over hand rails on the side of the building going through contractions I was admitted into our room at the birthing center.  There was a 4 post wooden majogony bed, a big ol' rocking chair and no machines to stare at me.  Chris unpacked and I sucked on honey sticks as the contractions got stronger.

We were given 2 magical fairy doulas that were volunteers at the birth center.   At first they threw me off my groove but as the night progressed I felt very grateful to have them.  Through the night they made me remember to drink water while holding a sippy cup in front of my face in the multitudes of positions I found myself lost in while amist the surges. The contractions swept through me.  I would equate the whole feeling to stepping on a freight train and being strapped to the front of it as it went faster and faster through the landscape.  There were no brakes.  I was having intense lower back pain as Arlo was facing sunny side up and tilted a bit on my right hip.  His big ol' noggin was low and pressing down but his position was not optimal.  The waves kept coming through the night.  The swells of contractions hit me like ocean waves and it reminded me of the feeling you get when you are held under by a huge set.  While you under the wave there is a strong need to remain calm and know you would come up for air soon.  Breathe, release, say yes, ground yourself, open, open, open, let go, trust.  Then it would end and I could breath again until the next wave came and bam, there it was on top smothering me.  All over again.  This happened for hours, time was extremely elusive though.  It didn't exist for me. 

Chris pushed on my back, let me hang off of him, rubbed my feet, made me move positions when things would slow down.  He was a dream husband, a dream birth partner.  My team was stellar.  The nurse on call was a badass, very blunt, real, and honest- just my style.  My midwife, Erica, was my favorite at the birth center that I had met.  I somehow lucked out and came in the night she was working.  She gives off an air of casualness while being wicked intelligent, and I trusted her to no end.

As the intensity increased I remained very present with the process.  I also, deep down, was figuring I must be almost there, almost fully dilated, almost ready to push.  The contractions were a minute apart and I was fully engaged.  My back hurt like a mofo, I couldn't stand up straight and I knew I was reaching my capacity as I was approaching 24 hours of these growing contractions. My midwife came in and checked me around 11:00 that night.  I was sure she was going to tell me I had jumped from my previous 5 cm. to 9 cm. in the last 4 hours.  Instead she pulled her hand out and said I was still around 5 cm. dilated.  What the hell?  My positive cool balanced attitude fell out of my body and sunk into an abyss.  They convinced me to take a shower to ease the pain that was becoming unbearable for me.  In the shower I whimpered to Chris, "I can't do it anymore, it's too intense, I'm in pain, I want an epidural, I want it to stop, I want to sleep".  I was serious.  I was basically telling him to strap me to a chair and take me to the other floor and shoot me up with some mega painkillers.  He wouldn't let me get away with it though.  " No, you can do this Erin.  You will regret it".  The midwife said the same thing as I gave her the same sob story.  She knew me, she knew what I wanted, she knew how hard I had been working to get it and she wasn't letting me throw in the towel.  When I could think for brief interludes I began to think of ancient goddesses, other women who gave birth before me, with me, my ancestors, all my friends and family who believed in me.  I called them there, I told them to please take away my pain.  I knew I was almost there.

The nurse gave me a basic iv pain killer to take my edge off as I assume I was sort of losing it at this stage (once again, don't remember,  blocked that out I think).  I was on the bed on all 4's groaning and speaking about how I had this need to push and how I didn't know how much longer I could take it.  I was convulsing at this point and my body felt out of my control.  My mind put a time constraint on the whole experience when I started to lose it.  I wanted to know how much longer it would take and everyone just looked back at me with puppy dog eyes telling me there was no way to tell.  Human beings like time, we like to measure life on time.  I had to let it go. Damn it.  I was on my brink. I knew something was shifting though.  Only an hour or so had gone by since my midwife checked me but I demanded she come back in.  No one believed me but I felt like I wanted to push.  She came back in and I told her I couldn't do it any longer, I couldn't last through the night, I wanted this baby out.  She noticed I couldnt stand up straight, she tried to shift my stance but I felt out of my body because I couldn't control it.   She said she would check my dilation.  That's where life took a very happy turn for me.  Erica looked at me and said that I was not going to get an epidural because I was at 10 cm and this baby was moving down the path closer to my arms.  Cheers of elation echoed through the room, through me.   Oh yeah. Thank you.

Let the pushing begin.  From holding back my legs on the bed, to squatting, to birth stool I was using every last ounce of energy in this phase.  Instead of breathing out I put all of my energy in and down visualizing it pushing the baby out.  They put a mirror out for me.  There's the top of his head and then there it goes back in.  There it is and then back in.  This went on for quite a while.  I started to realize I was about to really have a baby and this whole part of the birth felt very dramatic.  The team started to get restless I was noticing.  Deep breaths in, every ounce of air I could find and then push.  Pretty soon I saw panic on the midwives and nurse face.  I heard something about them calling for extra nurses from labor and delivery to come to the room asap.  She said the heartbeat was dropping and the baby had to come out now.  She told me she was going to have to cut me.  It was a blur but I saw her get scissors out and turn a light on to begin the incision.  I yelled out, "have you cut me?".  She said,"not yet".  That is when I got serious and took the biggest breath in I have ever taken and pushed it all down in me and out of me.  I refused to be cut.  I imagined myself full of strength, my energy shifted.  Then there he came.  Plopped out on the bed.  Chris in shock, in awe.  His limbs everywhere, his little body squirming.  He had pooped during the last phase of birth so they swept him away to clean him up and suction him out in case he swallowed any.  Of course, he was too smart to do that.  I saw his little penis swinging in the air as they whisked him away.  "It's a boy!".  Chris's eyes hadn't blinked in like an hour.  We did it.  I truly had the birth that I had dreamed of.  I mean I would of dreamed of birthing in an ocean with mermaids and dolphins if I really had my way, but on realistic terms I did feel very blessed.

When they brought his naked body back to me and laid him on me I saw my life change forever.  In him I saw myself, I saw Chris, I saw the meaning of happiness, I understood life a little bit more.  His eyes were deep pools of blue and they were wide open staring at mine.  He had been on such a journey, as had I, the release of him from my body was deeply ecstatic.   He grew in me for 9 1/2 months and it was like we were long lost pals.  His delicate and soft skin just sank into mine and from then on it was a connection like I have never known and am still very much figuring out.    Chris and I wondered how we could ever create something so entirely perfect.  It is emotional and yet I couldn't cry.  He was here.  What a long trip it had been.  Welcome home little Arlo.   Let's do this. 

Waiting for the birth of baby

Wishing, waiting,
wearing,
bearing down.
Full and close to capacity as I wait to birth my first born baby.  A nine month process culminating right under my nose in this miraculous body I do hold tight a small curled up little babe.  Who is it, when is it?  I find the last few weeks to be an interesting time of patience, reality, and haziness.  A time of strong emotions of just wanting to hold this little one and look it in the eyes while bam(!) all the surges of energy and love comes flooding into us.  Then the other emotions of anticipating the birth, the whole experience leading up to the baby being with us and all the intensity, the uncertainity, the adventure.  Wondering what my story will be and how it will all occur.

Pregnancy has been a bit of a walk in the park for me I must say humbly as I have glided through with this healthy glow of "everything is wonderful" radiance and not fallen into the trap of complaining, pain or complications.  This is beyond, of course, all of the random shit I have put myself through unbeknownst to this little fuzzers inside,  such as traveling for much of my first trimester, including 2 weeks on a bouncing sailboat (no sea sickness- thank you ocean gods) and then running around all my second trimester trying to keep up with the active Colorado nature and honing in on saving acorns for the big shift,  to then spending my 3rd trimester packing up my home, moving thousands of miles away with no real plan or place to live to a big intimidating place.  Now here we are like it was all meant to be..... settled in a bungalow with a red door, a nice swatch of grass out front with 2 adriondack chairs perfectly placed under a willowy tree, our selenite crystal lighting up the forefront of our living room, and the breeze filtering through open windows on a perfectly breezy 61 degree California day.

We have taken this baby on a little ride as it has definitely taken us on one as well.  This is only the start of that as I see this addition shifting our consciousness beyond this phase.  I know we will choose different paths because of it and our lives will end up in all sorts of random places like in treehouses or motivating to make bigger social changes in our world.  Right now it is all an open book still waiting to be drawn upon.  Right now I am just really pregnant and trying my hardest to be patient and trust in the right timing all while feeling groggy and restless.  Such a small notch in time awaiting an arrival and slowly waving goodbye to the departure of a different version of myself from the past as this awakens seeds of great change. 

New horizons beckon and I need time away to see today

On our way. We are always on our way, in between here and there.  We are constantly birthing new ideas all while in route to an idea that is clearly manifesting in front of us after time and place got us here.  We are always looking into the future.  What is next?  How can we make it happen?

Were in the middle of another exhausting travel day that has you rubbing your eyes an forgetting to take liquids out of your bags during multiple security checks.  We had a red eye last night and I had my neck cramped up on a sweater trying to find the right position to sleep which is totally and absolutely impossible to do in a functional and comfortable way.  Paradise beckons though.  It is May, the most spectacular time to leave the Rocky Mountains for weather that doesn't have you shivering and for time with bare skin in the sun.

It can all be exhausting and exhilerating.  Just the fact that there is steel drum music playing in the airport newstand makes me feel that much better, like I am on the right path here and now.  There are also wafts of cuban sandwiches and many differing accents that give me a relief that I am out of cold Denver, at least for now. 
Here we go.  Looking forward to serenity after a whirlwind of a month swirling around us.  I wanted a change and a rush of synchronicity has taken me under her wings and I am now (somewhat reluctantly) flying with her.  We want change but are afraid to make change.  Eventually change finds us and forces us to breath and move with it.  "It is just life", I tell myself.  There really is no need to be overwhelmed.  For fear is reason for us to face it and to grow into new shapes.  It is glorious really and we need to look life in the eyes and just give it a smile.
Perfect in the spectrum of all this light and life hitting us in new places lately.  A perfect place to sink into the moment and relax into changes, synchonicity, and trusting ourselves on the wild ride. Argggh, maty.

The Ebb & flow of creativity

Today I am inspired by the ocean. It is early March and Spring feels like a breath away, at least that is what the calendar says. Yet on a dreary Sunday after a late night bonfire and yurt party I feel like the Winter energy still penetrates this moment. So I spent hours looking at surf blogs and dreaming of other lives that I could live. I pull out the art supplies and have visions of water, jumping in it, it moving, ebbing and flowing. This happen at least 3 times of year. The effervescent cycle of desire for adventure, sun on my skin and the salt water fixing everything. The attraction to the un attainable, at least in the present moment. I think everyone is an artist, it is such a versatile word. I despise when the word artist is used in a pompous way (maybe this is my projection on to them but.....). Lets all say we are artists. Lets get weird and express and make avenues to better indulge in the creations inside of us. There are bubbles of all sorts that rise in us and there needs to be a place to let them float out so that we can inspire each other. This is one of those times where I take a step back and see my cluster of ideas and intend for them to find a direction. How can we inspire one another? I am really obsessed with personal expression and how to better facilitate a place and space (metaphorically and physically for this). I have been stoked on women starting non profits that integrate surfing with global initiatives in empowering small poor communities. I am inspired by ocean photography and bold moves to make the simple landscape into a more artistic and individually perceived form. I am inspired by art, surfing, activism and bold blue expressions. So I do not live by an ocean. I do live deep in the Rockies on the north facing side of mountain. We have blue skies, some interesting people and lots of events that give us visions of other lives. "There must be a project which one can accomplish wherever one is", that's what I say. There is a need to take inspiration, or at times envy, and turn it into something more tangible to our circumstances. So, lets focus: - Women's Performance Troupe- Summer street performance extravaganza - Spring Film projects. Still looking for an overall theme, but between the people in Ecuador and the caribbean backdrop I have a feeling we could put something together full of magic. Music video could also take this to another level. - Photo project with spinner camera depicting our 360 images of our generation, the reality of what it means to be american, privilaged in the eyes of the world, but struggling to find our place and mission in the mess of uncertainty. Art. Let it feed me, let it feed you, let it ebb and flow between us so that there is inspiration & re purpose within the daily routines.